Rules of Fingers

General rule of thumb I'm going to implement from this day forward:
Always check the ring finger on the left hand BEFORE you begin getting along really well with the good-looking women.

Other rules of thumb:
-Always have something in your life where working at it for 8 hours every day is not really work. If you can't make money at it, do it as a hobby, but never abandon your passion.
-Anywhere I sit in a restuarant will automatically become the epicenter of cold air within 5 minutes.
-The above rule is consistently observed because I have no soul.
-People who leave their cell phones on at church should have their Christianity revoked. I mean, yeah crying babies are annoying, but at least they aren't equipped with a "Vibrate" mode, unless you count feeding them a shot of Scotch before the service (what?!? my mom did it to us! That's why I consistently get drunk to try and find God.)
-Don't get drunk to find God.
-Prioritize at most 3 television shows above the "passion" mentioned above (currently, "Lost", "House" and "The Office").
-The bigger your sunglasses, the bigger your penis. Wear big sunglasses.
-Even if you have a small face. Wear big sunglasses.
-Quit fooling yourself; you still can't grow facial hair.
-Don't try a QB sneak from the 1 on the first drive after failing to run it in 3 times in a row. Just kick the field goal.
-Oklahoma should not be a state. Let's give it back to the Indians (feather, not dot), and replace it with Puerto Rico which, despite being poor and uneducated (sounds like Oklahoma to me!) has the advantage of being in the Caribbean.
-Never gamble in Oklahoma. Never go to Oklahoma.
-The Movie Tavern is the only place you should pay to see a movie.
-Never order the Tavern Tower - 80 oz. of beer - if you're the only one drinking it.
-Take every opportunity to start a fire in your fireplace, especially if you live in Texas and you hardly ever have that chance.