On Relationship Incompetence

Something I've noticed and that has been commented upon ad nauseum is the main-streaming of Nerd culture. Comic Book movie blockbusters, Apple/computer product fetishism, shoe-gazing singer-songwriter outcast indie music explosion, Zooey Deschanel horn-rimmed eroticism. As a nerdy person it's like becoming the popular person in high school. Which I think any nerd will tell you wasn't so much the goal as it was an idealized juxtaposition to your own life. You didn't want to be the popular person. You just wanted to envy them, and their life. If you became "popular" you wouldn't know what to do with that any better than you did before that transition. Because what it comes down to is how well you handle relationships.

I'm incompetent at them. And I'm going to transition now between talking about general "relationships" and talking about romantic relationships, because I figure the latter is just a micro-analyzed version of the former with greater stakes and even more self-doubt.

So yeah, I'm incompetent. No matter the setup, be it my "First Crush" or my "Perfect Woman" or my "Best Friend", I'm unable to handle these things into the long term. Some of my acquaintances have deemed me a little "Aspergian" which is a label that sometimes seems fitting and other times seems totally crazy. But maybe they're right and there's some mental block in my head that keeps me from understanding or considering the sensitivities or even just the cognition of other people. Take my most recent (failed) relationship. During our final encounter I consistently had trouble explaining what I meant, and how many of the things I've done have been misinterpreted. I just didn't understand how she would react to so many things I did. Nearly all of them turned out to be hurtful. The final sticking point was that she needed me to say (I think), "I won't be mean to you again. I will exhibit patience and try to understand your intentions before I get angry. I will do whatever it takes to make this work." And I couldn't bring myself to say those things, partly because I didn't really grasp that that's what she needed me to say at the time, and partly because I couldn't envision a scenario in which I ever exhibited perfect patience or wasn't mean to her again.

So that's it. That's my autopsy on this most recent disaster. I hope in the future to be able to more fully understand and appreciate those I love. I just don't have the first clue how to go about it other than living through it. So it goes.

Step 3

So I've been on an off-service rotation the past week which consisted of brief stints shadowing dentists. So at the last minute I registered to take Step 3 10 days ago. I took the test today (actually COMLEX level III), and people are right. It's almost entirely pointless to study for that test. There are questions on that test where there is literally no evidence-based answer (ie, what's the best symptomatic treatment for AIDS dementia?). I hope I passed, but I don't know what else I might have done differently, save for more practice questions, of which I only did about 400 (exactly the number on the test). Probably should have done about 1200 like I did for Step 2.

So anyway, I took the test in New Jersey as that was the only testing center around that had any availability. After I finished the test, I walked down to my car and was surprised to find the engine never really caught on. Just kept turning over. And over. And over. In a New Jersey testing center parking lot.

Now my car has been giving me warning signals for a while. CHECK ENGINE SOON. But how soon is "SOON"? And anyway I know what the problem is - my lack of several thousand dollars in my savings account. An amount which would do much to recuperate my car, and maybe even stop it from smelling like gasoline every time I open the sunroof. But anyway, all that is to say that you can know what the problem is, you can be expecting it to rear its head at any time, you can even be mentally prepared for its effects. Up until that time when it finally abandons you when you need it, right after everything was running smoothly. Right after your lunch-break trip to McDonald's for a McFlurry to celebrate. Right after your 8 hour examination on misery and its effects. You can be prepared for the problems, up until the point when they're actually problematic.

Now thank God. Eventually the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Messiah of the covenant, the Savior of the world heard my prayer and my car started up again and got me back to the Hospital where it resides in semi-permanent retirement (either that or it just happened to catch right at that point, but let's not take anything away from divine intervention if we don't have to). But still, the point was not lost on me.

I know the problem. I even think I know the solution. The question is whether I'm willing to invest the time and money and trouble it takes to fix this heap up. Or if I should just cash in on my soon-to-come job prospects and buy a newer, prettier, more dependable car, like a Kia Soul.

It's a metaphor, you see.

Somebody Goin' To Emergency

I'm reading a book on anger. Actually, 2 books. The first is written by this Buddhist monk and it has a lot of stuff in there about being conscious of every breath and every step and controlling how much anger is embedded in the food you eat (a frustrated chicken that can't move in its cage probably stews its tender breasts in a broth of hate and anger, his thinking goes). Obviously I'm not getting as much out of that.

The other is written by a couple psychologists, Midwesterners, Christians, down-to-earth folk it seems. I'm digging the 2nd one a little more. It's called "Letting Go of Anger" by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron. I'm not very far into it yet, but there's a group of statements in the Introduction that I was dwelling on today. Specifically the following statements:

1. Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person's life.
2. The goal is to solve problems, not just to express anger.
3. Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolved.

(There's a few more, but lest I plagiarize their entire volume, I'll leave the rest out as they don't really apply. You should really buy the book if you're having anger problems.)

So anyway, I guess that's the problem I'm having. I'm expressing my anger these days just to express some anger, and in some ways to pass shame onto those I love. Or, as the authors state, "You made me feel awful, so I'm gonna hurt you back." Very infantile this brain of mine. But a point remains that in classifying your anger in this way, and in responding to it with the passing of shame from one person to another, you're not responding to the accurate signal of real problems, and you're not using it to solve problems either. You're just passing the anger around the room. This is why New Yorkers are so angry I think. We're all just passing the anger back and forth from one to another.

So I just wanted to share that thought. My anger is a result of real problems, which I've done a pretty bad job working on lately. The problems go unsolved, or in my case get actively worse, while I stew in anger, or pass it around, or make everyone close to me generally feel bad about themselves and their relationship with me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people are lucky to be friends with me.

Anyway, that's all. I take Step 3 on Monday. I'm just procrastinating really. Also, READING FOR FUN! That's a cool thing to do. Also learning. Also Wild Sweet Orange tazo tea. It's a blast from the past Board-studying days.