Guys are pigs, but girls allow them to be.

Tonight, I went out to celebrate an old friend's birthday with karaoke and beer: possibly the two greatest inventions of all time. I become much more likable with beer I've decided, and also with karaoke, but that's beside the point.

While we were out tonight, a girl I've mentioned previously on this site who is
"smokin' hot" came around. I recapitulate my sentiments about her smokin'-hotness. We basically talked/flirted/what-not'd all night with some karaoke thrown in from time to time. On our ride home, she was very angsty, very much in doubt as to her past dating habits, as we all tend to be after we get the shit kicked out of us romantically, which she has been, aside from when she dated me many years ago of course. But regardless, she informed me of her intention not to get emotionally involved ever again, to never again fall in love, that she had in fact given up ever being someone's wife. I told her no guy wants anything as much as he wants what he cannot have, and that she was thus making the right choice if she wanted tons of guys to start chasing after her.

But this is my point - and she admitted as such, although perhaps unfairly as I still think there's a lot more victimization in her story than she lets on - that girls let themselves get treated like crap for a greater goal. Not that the blame lies with the women, anymore than the blame lies with most Germans for ascenting to a Jewish extermination they may not have agreed with. The blame lies squarely with these asshole men that are raised in an environment where objectification is beautified and lauded, where stereotype becomes reality and liscentiousness becomes righteousness. The blame lies in us men that consent and, more often than we'd like to admit, participate in this lifestyle. I know I've done as much or worse emotionally to some girls. And I'm probably worse, because I'm the prototypical "nice guy", so when I objectify, they feel even worse, like maybe it's their fault instead of mine, like maybe they're guilty of allowing themselves to be open to something deeper. Or even, best case scenario, like the nice guys out there are still just horny jerks looking to take advantage.

Tonight, as we were riding together, these two parts of me were waging. On the one hand, here's this smoking hottie that is vulnerable and interesting and we obviously still have intact connections from our relationship and friendship long ago. But by pushing her to these areas of her life she'd left unexplored, by encouraging this emotional intimacy with her, I had forfeited all rights to any kind of romance with her. I'd put myself only in the position to be a friend, to help her know that not all men are shit, that not everyone lies and cheats and objectifies, then vacates the premises emotionally after he gets what he wants.

Men are crap, and girls suffer for it. But there are those of us, few of us, that had it bad too, that grew up knowing that women are meant to be idealized, memorialized, and treasured. Those of us that cannot now, for fear of adding to the brokenness and vulnerability of the world, make a move with a hot girl that is obviously into us.

It sucks. And it's the reason there are so few nice guys out there. You girls should really make it worth our while.

Rules of Fingers

General rule of thumb I'm going to implement from this day forward:
Always check the ring finger on the left hand BEFORE you begin getting along really well with the good-looking women.

Other rules of thumb:
-Always have something in your life where working at it for 8 hours every day is not really work. If you can't make money at it, do it as a hobby, but never abandon your passion.
-Anywhere I sit in a restuarant will automatically become the epicenter of cold air within 5 minutes.
-The above rule is consistently observed because I have no soul.
-People who leave their cell phones on at church should have their Christianity revoked. I mean, yeah crying babies are annoying, but at least they aren't equipped with a "Vibrate" mode, unless you count feeding them a shot of Scotch before the service (what?!? my mom did it to us! That's why I consistently get drunk to try and find God.)
-Don't get drunk to find God.
-Prioritize at most 3 television shows above the "passion" mentioned above (currently, "Lost", "House" and "The Office").
-The bigger your sunglasses, the bigger your penis. Wear big sunglasses.
-Even if you have a small face. Wear big sunglasses.
-Quit fooling yourself; you still can't grow facial hair.
-Don't try a QB sneak from the 1 on the first drive after failing to run it in 3 times in a row. Just kick the field goal.
-Oklahoma should not be a state. Let's give it back to the Indians (feather, not dot), and replace it with Puerto Rico which, despite being poor and uneducated (sounds like Oklahoma to me!) has the advantage of being in the Caribbean.
-Never gamble in Oklahoma. Never go to Oklahoma.
-The Movie Tavern is the only place you should pay to see a movie.
-Never order the Tavern Tower - 80 oz. of beer - if you're the only one drinking it.
-Take every opportunity to start a fire in your fireplace, especially if you live in Texas and you hardly ever have that chance.

In A Sense Nostalgic

Here we are to the glorious weekend again. Reading over the past entries on this site, it strikes me that it doesn't very accurately reflect the real life of an average 2nd year medical student. Of course, that life isn't very interesting. It looks like this: class, study, more study, coffee, clinics, organizational meetings, study, sleep/drink (depending on the day of the week), tiger-fighting. Yes, tiger-fighting. It's how we keep in shape.

My first "girlfriend" was in 8th grade. Her name is an online secret but we'll call her "Flamingo". Flamingo was great-looking and very sweet but eventually we broke up, because that's what you do in 8th grade. She told me it was because our relationship "wasn't going anywhere". I still tell that story to this day and we all laugh because 8TH GRADE! Ha, here's your ring!

I hadn't seen Flamingo since I was 17. I'm now 24, so it's been awhile. Tonight we ran into one another while meeting mutual friends. She was freaking good-looking. We chatted, will probably see each other around town because as big as this city is, it's hard to avoid people you knew. Harder still when you hang around similar people socially.

So I was thinking tonight and I got to wondering, just how much we let ourselves become defined by things like relationships or what-not. And by ourselves, I mean myself because I don't know you very well anymore and you could not be wondering this at all. Anyway, I had convinced myself a couple years ago that I had spent enough time figuring myself out to know that I was comfortable enough within my life and with my skin to just be alone and let things like relationships take care of themselves, present themselves instead of seeking them. It made all the difference in the world. And I think I'm being forced to learn that lesson all over again.

Not that I'm not comfortable with myself, but I need to stop seeing every outing as an opportunity for flirting, every girl as a possibility. There are so many more important things in life, especially now, to be forcing upon yourself the undue stress in a fake courtship, and so many good people out there that you can miss meeting because you're too hung up on things like romance. So I guess I'm here saying again what I've been saying for the past few years. Despite the fact that there are so many opportunities to meet these women and pursue meaninglessness with them, now is really the time for focusing on the things that are more important, that are more necessary in forming a valid self-image and knowing your real identity. Now is the time to focus on things like school and service and self-sacrifice. The rest will all sort itself out, and even if it doesn't, I'm pretty well set to go with things on my plate. I think there'll be enough on that plate for a while to come.